when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
You Might Also Like
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
So we got a goldfish…
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
every college guy’s fridge
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides