You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.