The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”