Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
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Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me