Uh oh…
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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
superman landing like a plane on his belly
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA