Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain