The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Guys, I found it.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.