*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
You Might Also Like
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”