see you in hell you stupid fruit
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Wednesday
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Every time.