My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
You Might Also Like
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter