Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.