Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
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me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
What’s so funny?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
i prefer mine room temperature.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.