Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.