“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.