If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years