“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.