Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.