There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
<—- homeless romantic
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.