I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
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Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
cry laughing at this shit
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.