They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.