Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
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Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”