I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
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A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
nyc:
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
The Sun
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand