“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.