Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.