Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
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Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?