FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m not lazy
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…