When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.