Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
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Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
don’t be scared
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.