me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again