Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼