My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
one of
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.