In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.