My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
favorite tropes as memes
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Worth remembering.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way