To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Growing out my freckles.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!