The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
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my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.