me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
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Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Put a ring on it
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
An owl showing some catlike behavior.