Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
“What movie?” 🤔
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…