Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
You Might Also Like
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.