The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Krampus.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Born to be mild.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.