I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Lmfaoooooo
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT