Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.