This is my emotional support online shopping cart
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.