I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
set yourself free xox
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
black phone good
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work