FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Camping tip: No.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.