If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Support your local cemetery
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Golf would be better with landmines.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?