[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Van Gone
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.