“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
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Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.