Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Pat is about to own someone
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes