ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit