What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.